In what the White House is calling Operation Hydrate or Die, President Trump announced a world-changing new tariff policy based on something no trade negotiator ever considered: actual water. Officials revealed that Mexico allegedly owes America “roughly a bathtub’s worth of fluid” under a 1944 water treaty — and if that debt isn’t paid by December 31, the U.S. will impose a terrifying 5% tariff on Mexican goods.
At a press event that experts described as “equal parts G-20 Summit and backyard barbecue,” Trump solemnly explained his strategy. “We love water,” he said. “We really love it. Everybody loves water. Mexico owes water — a ton of it. Drought, maybe, but that doesn’t mean you don’t pay your water bill.” His advisers later clarified that Mexico must deliver exactly 200,000 acre-feet of H2O before the deadline — a number even farmers had to Google.
“We have determined that water is a cornerstone of trade,” Secretary of Agriculture Wells Drystone said, holding up a glass of Texas tap water. “Tariffs used to be about steel and cars. Now it’s liquid assets.” When pressed if rain barrels count as payment, Drystone nodded vigorously.
Unsurprisingly, Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum was unamused. In a virtual summit — held, ironically, beside a shrinking reservoir — she argued that climate change and drought were real issues that treaties don’t magically fix. She also suggested the U.S. might meet its own obligations, like sending rain. Trump responded with a graphic of a cloud and the word “NO.”
Farmers in South Texas, caught between blazing sun and political theatrics, expressed cautious hope. Chuck “Riverbend” McCoy, a third-generation farmer, said, “If tariffs help get us water, sign me up — but I also heard there’s a plan to tax dew next.” Meanwhile, economists warn that a tariff on water debt could backfire, joking that U.S. supermarkets might soon sell “imported rain.”
In a final dramatic flourish, the Trump team unveiled a commemorative coin: Liberty, Justice, and Liquid Assets For All. Crafted from recycled water bottles, it’s already being snapped up by patriotic collectors and thirsty diplomats alike.
“If Mexico doesn’t budge,” Trump concluded on Truth Social, “we’ll just buy our own rain clouds. America always gets what it wants.”
It remains unclear how clouds vote in Mexico, but one thing’s certain: diplomacy has never been so drenched in satire.
