WASHINGTON — In a display of bureaucratic creativity worthy of the finest DMV sticker backlog, the Trump administration announced that illegal immigrants caught crossing the border without inspection will be hit with a $5,000 “apprehension fee.”
Officials defended the fee as “holding people accountable,” though press release language seems more like a late-night infomercial offering free advice you didn’t ask for. “Yes, you cross — and puff! — there goes five grand,” enthused one unnamed official. “It’s like parking-ticket style enforcement. Only vault-sized.”
Advocates for the plan say it’s a bold new strategy: instead of just deporting, why not invoice first, thereby monetizing the crackdown and discouraging illegal entry the old-fashioned way — with debt. The memo reportedly suggests fines scale up: $10,000 for second attempts, maybe a “welcome pack” surcharge for those bringing suitcases.
Critics, meanwhile, argue that the fee effectively places a price tag on survival — like selling tickets to safety. “This isn’t border security,” said one unnamed immigrant-rights advocate. “It’s a ransom, in CMS Excel form.”
Supporters (on the right) counter: “It’s fiscally responsible. We’re finally treating illegal entry like a car tow-away — pay the fee or get out.” One durable talking point: “No fee, no free ride.”
Of course, some insiders joke this will generate more revenue than the DMV — especially considering the promised “instant billing” once detainees touch down on U.S. soil.
In the end: if you thought the border was complicated before — now it’s got a balance sheet. Welcome to immigration, ledger-style.
Punchline: Nothing says “welcome” like an invoice for freedom — now with surcharge.
