In what may be the most existential legal question since “Is Pluto a planet?”, the U.S. Supreme Court convened this week to ponder whether President Trump can fire a Federal Reserve governor without a permission slip from Congress, grandma, or the entire judicial bench.
No courtroom drama in history has combined Federal Reserve independence, mortgage paperwork, and executive power fantasies quite like this. In a hearing stretching nearly as long as a Marvel multiverse theory explainer, nine robe-clad justices stared down Solicitor General D. John Sauer and asked some of the most pressing questions known to humankind, such as:
- “Does the Fed have feelings?”
- “Is there a ‘for cause’ clause or is that just a suggestion?”
- “If the president fires someone via Truth Social, does it count as a Tweet or a decree?”
At the center of the storm sits Lisa Cook, a Fed governor whose attempted firing by presidential proclamation has ignited more debate than a heated family dinner on Thanksgiving. Trump tried to oust her last August, citing alleged mortgage shenanigans — allegations she described as “uh… paperwork mix-ups?”
But the Supreme Court — including some Trump appointees — seemed unenthusiastic about turning the Federal Reserve into “Trump’s Monetary Playhouse.” Skepticism was palpable when Justice Brett Kavanaugh warned that if today’s decision lets the president fire Fed officials like bad babysitters, future leaders might also fire them, creating a terrifying cycle of mutual destruction and endless paperwork.
“Look,” one justice reportedly muttered under breath, “if we let this happen, the Fed isn’t independent — it’s basically on Tinder.” Legal scholars nodded solemnly.
Lunch was served mid-argument as the court tried to balance the monetary policy equivalent of a seven-layer cake. The justices questioned whether a president should wield such power without formal procedures, actual evidence, or a Peppa Pig themed consent form.
Meanwhile, Fed Chair Jerome Powell, who was present in the gallery like a reluctant guest at a wedding he didn’t RSVP to, attempted to blend into the background by holding a coffee cup shaped like the U.S. economy. Eyewitnesses reported he whispered to a clerk, “If they ask about inflation again, I’m invoking lunch.”
At press time, the justices appeared equally divided between ruling for Fed autonomy and drafting a new Supreme Court robe color palette inspired by Wall Street trends. The decision — expected later this year — may very well determine the fate of interest rates, presidential authority, and dignity as we know it.
In the meantime, Americans are advised to hold onto their wallets… and a sense of humor.
