WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a moving display of bipartisan efficiency, Senate leaders unveiled a 4,200-page “Emergency Stability and Freedom Enhancement Act” late Tuesday evening and promptly scheduled a vote for early Wednesday morning — giving lawmakers a generous seven hours to “spiritually process” the document.
The bill, described by aides as “urgent, historic, and definitely too long,” reportedly addresses everything from border funding to electric vehicle incentives to something called “atmospheric equity grants.” Sources confirm at least three senators attempted to lift the printed version and required assistance from interns and a small forklift.
“We don’t have time to read it,” one senior lawmaker told reporters while flipping to page 17 and nodding gravely. “The American people sent us here to act decisively, not to understand things.”
When asked what the bill contains, another senator replied, “It’s comprehensive. It covers all the stuff we care about and some of the stuff we forgot we cared about.” He then clarified that the table of contents alone “felt very reassuring.”
Staffers confirmed the legislation was assembled using a cutting-edge congressional drafting technique known as “Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V Governance.” Entire sections reportedly date back to 2009, though aides insist the font has been updated “for transparency.”
One junior aide described the process as “legislative DoorDash.” “Various lobbyists drop off policy ideas, leadership mixes them together, and we pass it before anyone checks the ingredients.”
Critics questioned why something labeled “emergency” took months of closed-door negotiations to finalize. Leadership responded that emergencies, like fine wines, “require time to mature in undisclosed locations.”
In a rare moment of candor, one anonymous representative admitted, “Look, if we read every bill, nothing would ever get passed. That’s not how modern democracy works.”
Meanwhile, cable news panels erupted in choreographed outrage. One analyst called the bill “either the salvation of the republic or its final nail,” adding, “We’ll know which after we skim the bullet points.”
Faith leaders across the country urged Americans to pray — not necessarily about the contents of the bill, but for the structural integrity of the Capitol’s bookshelves.
At press time, lawmakers were seen congratulating each other on “historic transparency,” moments after voting yes on a measure they collectively described as “too important to delay and too complicated to explain.”
In related news, Congress announced plans to introduce a new rule requiring all future legislation to include a 30-second TikTok summary, so representatives can finally know what they’re voting for.
Because nothing says accountable government like passing a novel-sized bill no one has read — in the name of urgency.
