TRUMP BODYSLAMS BUREAUCRACY, EDUCATION DEPARTMENT TAPS OUT
In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court officially blessed President Trump’s noble quest to trim the Department of Education like a Christmas ham. Secretary Linda “Smackdown” McMahon now resumes her campaign to make every paper-pushing parasite earn their keep — or hit the bricks.
BUREAUCRATS LAID OFF, NATION’S CLIPBOARD SUPPLY IN CRISIS
Some 2,000+ lifelong stapler guardians were shown the door — and liberal America screamed like it just lost Hamilton tickets. “These layoffs will devastate our duplication efforts!” sobbed a mid-level diversity compliance liaison as she boxed up her rainbow lanyards.
PROGRESSIVES MOURN LOSS OF FEDERAL OVERLORDS
Bernie Sanders called the layoffs “an attack on redundant layers of oversight,” while Elizabeth Warren warned that “children may no longer be sufficiently monitored while learning fractions.” AOC suggested the department could’ve just switched to solar-powered memos.
SUPREME COURT DROPS THE CONSTITUTIONAL ELBOW
The ruling reversed a lower court order demanding the return of the fired foghorns. Justice Gorsuch reportedly muttered, “Maybe now someone will fix FAFSA on time,” before sipping freedom through a bald eagle-shaped straw.
TRUMP DECLARES VICTORY, OFFERS RESUMES TO CNN STAFF
Celebrating the win, Trump tweeted, “We fired 2,000 federal busybodies and NOTHING BROKE! Just like I said. Maybe next we try the IRS?” Melania reportedly smiled for the first time since Barron won his chess tournament.
