European leaders gathered this week to discuss military readiness and collective security before reaching a historic agreement: spending money on defense is much easier than preparing for defense.
The breakthrough came after hours of intense negotiations, several catered lunches, and a PowerPoint presentation entitled "Courage Through Budgeting."
Alliance officials hailed the agreement as transformational.
"For decades we've asked difficult questions like, 'Can we defend ourselves?'" said one senior diplomat. "Today we're asking the much simpler question: 'Can we create a spreadsheet that suggests we might someday defend ourselves?'"
The room reportedly erupted in applause.
Under the new framework, member nations will dramatically increase expenditures while preserving the most important European value: avoiding uncomfortable decisions.
A leaked planning document shows significant funding earmarked for Strategic Awareness Coordinators, Resilience Facilitators, and Battlefield Inclusion Consultants.
Only a small portion appears allocated to tanks.
Military leaders initially expressed concern.
"Historically, wars have involved weapons," said retired General Marcus Steele. "But I'm assured modern conflicts can be resolved through stakeholder engagement."
Officials emphasized that traditional military thinking must evolve.
One proposal would require invading armies to complete a mandatory sensitivity assessment before crossing borders.
Another creates a Conflict Resolution Pavilion where opposing forces can share concerns over herbal tea.
Advocates insist such measures represent the future.
"We're moving beyond deterrence," explained European Unity Commissioner Petra Sonnenlicht. "We're pursuing mutual understanding."
When asked how that would stop hostile aggression, she replied that the question itself reflected an outdated security mindset.
Meanwhile, taxpayers struggled to understand why defense budgets suddenly included grants for climate-resilient conference facilities.
Experts clarified that modern warfare is complex.
"You can't secure freedom without first securing a comfortable seminar environment," said one policy advisor.
The alliance also unveiled a new readiness standard.
Instead of measuring troop deployment capability, nations will be evaluated on Emotional Preparedness Metrics.
Countries demonstrating high levels of empathy may receive bonus security credits.
Critics warned the strategy could create vulnerabilities.
Those concerns were dismissed after officials released a 412-page report concluding that negative assessments undermine collective morale.
The report itself cost $97 million.
Leaders closed the summit with a ceremonial signing and commemorative photo session celebrating what they described as a new era of security.
As delegates departed, organizers proudly announced that Europe is now more prepared than ever to discuss defending itself.
Actually doing it remains scheduled for a future summit.
