In a turn of events that has economists scratching their heads and Hollywood accountants clutching their pearls, a grassroots Fundraiser for the ICE Officer That Leftist Tried to Run Over has — outgrossed the weekend box office for every major blockbuster released in the same span.
Local philanthropist Gladys “Grit-and-Gravy” Thomson blurted out at the rally, “I came for the mini-doughnuts, but stayed for the liberty! I mean, who doesn’t want to give money to an officer just doing his job?” She raised over $7 million in under 24 hours.
Film critic Pierre DePaddington, known in certain circles as “Rotten Index,” claimed the new summer CGI epic “Thermonuclear Alpaca Redemption” tanked because its marketing tagline, “Be the Change,” was allegedly confused with a thrift-store coupon. Meanwhile, the ICE fundraiser mafia — which is definitely an organic grassroots movement — phenomenally crushed it. “We believe in justice with a side of brisket,” Thomson said.
In Hollywood, studio exec Trish Glitterwhine was reportedly found sobbing in a vegan empanada bar. “They didn’t even have credit card interest in our marketing budget! How could an ICE fundraiser compete without kale smoothies?!” she lamented.
The success has sparked copycat fundraisers across the nation. In Boise, locals began one to buy every American a cowboy hat; in Tucson, a GoFundMe to send all Netflix writers to boot camp hit its goal in 6.2 minutes.
“At first, I thought the fundraiser was about supporting law enforcement,” said Theodore “Ted” Patrioticus, an accidental donor who mistyped a URL while searching for ‘cowboy hats’. “Turns out I just gave six figures to a cause that makes liberals weep glorious tears. I’m okay with that.”
Meanwhile, Antifa spokespeople issued a press release urging people to “stop being outraged” because apparently being mad at random heroes isn’t winning. A wave of supporters simply responded with more donations and a solemn reading of the Constitution.
Final punchline? A silent vigil held in Hollywood to honor the fallen credit card debt of America — because apparently people would rather donate to ICE heroes than watch a 3-hour art film about feelings. “We’re not crying, you’re crying,” concluded one Minneapolis donor — holding up a check for $1 million in bacon-wrapped freedom dollars.
