After years of footage showing overcrowded facilities, overwhelmed communities, and federal officials insisting everything is under control, major media outlets confirmed this week that the border crisis is officially over—thanks to a much-needed rebrand.
The situation formerly known as a “crisis” will now be referred to as “unplanned tourism with humanitarian flair,” a phrase experts say better reflects the administration’s values while requiring absolutely no policy changes.
“Words shape reality,” said one cable news analyst. “Once we stop calling it a crisis, it technically becomes solved—or at least morally superior.”
Under the new framework, record-breaking encounters are no longer “surges” but “enthusiastic arrivals.” Overcrowded shelters are now “community bonding hubs.” And any footage suggesting disorder will be described as “out-of-context storytelling.”
An administration spokesperson praised the media for its cooperation. “We asked for help controlling the narrative, and they really showed up,” the official said. “This is what democracy looks like—quietly agreeing not to notice things.”
According to internal guidance leaked to reporters, journalists are encouraged to focus on emotional anecdotes, carefully cropped photos, and the phrase “seeking a better life,” while avoiding numbers, maps, or questions about consequences.
Local communities affected by the influx were also given a new designation: “Unexpected Stakeholders.”
“When residents complain, it’s important to remember they’re not experiencing problems,” explained a policy expert. “They’re experiencing growth.”
The Department of Homeland Security reportedly celebrated the rebrand by releasing a statement assuring Americans the border is secure, followed immediately by another statement clarifying what “secure” means, followed by a third explaining why words don’t matter.
Faith leaders weighed in cautiously, reminding officials that compassion and order are not opposites. Their comments were briefly acknowledged before being replaced with a panel discussion on why border walls are emotionally harmful.
Supporters of the rebrand say it proves progress doesn’t require action—just better vocabulary.
“If the situation worsens, we’ll simply rename it again,” said one strategist. “That’s the beauty of modern governance.”
At press time, the crisis formerly known as a crisis continued unabated, but Americans were reassured everything was fine—because it now had a nicer name.
