The world watched in stunned awe as Israel rolled out its shiny new death ray: the Iron Beam. Official propaganda insists this futuristic laser shield will “turn low-cost enemy rockets into near-zero-cost dust.” But inside sources say the real reason is much simpler: lobbyists for missile makers lost their Christmas bonus.
In a press statement dripping with all the gravitas of a sci-fi B-movie, a senior Israeli official—whose name was mercifully omitted to preserve his post-war promotions—said, “With Iron Beam, we don’t just shoot down drones; we vaporize your sense of hope.” Meanwhile, analysts are rushing to update defense industry pitch decks that now include “laser-death-beam” as the hottest profit margin since “tobacco for teenagers.”
Critics of the plan—who presumably prefer “old-fashioned missiles with American-made parts”—warn that leaning on laser shields could lead to a world where wars are fought by reactor-coolant engineers and fiber-optics specialists. But supporters cling to the budget-friendly promise: “Why spend billions on ammo when you can redirect the cost to name-brand stadium-seating upgrades?”
One anonymous military contractor summed it up best: “We’ll sell fewer interceptors, but we’ll sell 10 times more combat boots — boots that fit snugly. That’s real patriotism.”
At press time, a group of drones attacked an unnamed target, only to self-destruct in a blinding burst of light. Onlookers wiped tears from their eyes — whether in relief or because of the scorch mark, it was hard to tell.
Punchline: Warfare is evolving: soon it'll be less about bombs and more about WiFi routers with laser attachments. Who needs bullets when you have broadband?
