THIS JUST IN: LA PROTESTERS CONFUSED BY CONSEQUENCES
In a stunning development, rioters discovered that attacking federal officers might have legal consequences. “We thought we were at a community drum circle with zip ties,” sobbed one protester, moments before discovering handcuffs aren't a metaphor.
FBI DIRECTOR RUINS EVERYONE’S FUN
Kash Patel, known for ruining socialist picnics, reminded the nation that law enforcement exists. “If you assault a cop, you’re going to jail,” he declared, shocking ANTIFA who thought FBI stood for “Feelings Before Incarceration.”
MAYOR’S OFFICE CONSIDERS ALTERNATIVE PUNISHMENTS
In response, Los Angeles officials proposed new “therapeutic” responses: journaling circles for violent offenders, and juice boxes for arsonists. “We can’t just arrest people for expressing themselves violently,” said one unnamed city councilmember between sobs.
TRUMP SUPPORTERS DELIGHTED: LAW RETURNS TO EARTH
Patel’s tweet declaring FBI support for law enforcement triggered a MAGA-fueled celebration. “Finally, someone with a spine and a Twitter account,” said a Florida man while high-fiving an ICE agent mid-tackle.
CONCLUSION: REALITY RETURNS, LIBERALS MELT
As the cuffs clicked and the sobbing intensified, Kash Patel’s message was clear: the FBI might be back, and this time, they’re enforcing the law — even if that offends your yoga instructor.
Trump 2024: Now With Extra Law & Order.
