Washington celebrated the grand opening of the newest federal agency this week: the Ministry of Explaining Common Sense, created after lawmakers concluded that Americans keep recognizing obvious things without first obtaining government guidance.
The department's mission is simple: whenever ordinary citizens say, "Well... that seems obvious," federal experts will immediately assemble a 700-page report proving the same conclusion using taxpayer-funded flowcharts.
"It's dangerous when people arrive at logical conclusions independently," explained fictional Deputy Assistant Undersecretary Marjorie Clipboard.
"We prefer all common sense to be professionally peer-reviewed before anyone is allowed to notice it."
The agency has already released several groundbreaking findings.
After eighteen months of study, researchers confirmed that parents generally know their own children.
Another landmark report concluded that spending money eventually causes money to disappear.
Officials described both discoveries as "transformational."
Employees celebrated by holding a diversity workshop to ensure every obvious fact felt equally represented.
One consultant proudly unveiled a new Equitable Reality Framework, which classifies gravity as merely "one of several valid perspectives on downward mobility."
Another presenter warned that mirrors could unintentionally reinforce appearance-based assumptions.
"Reflections may contain bias."
Congress applauded the department's efficiency.
Instead of solving problems, it now specializes in creating explanatory task forces about why problems continue existing.
Taxpayers reportedly appreciated the transparency.
"We're no longer wondering where our money goes," joked fictional accountant Doug Receipt.
"Now we know it funds committees investigating why calculators keep getting the same answer."
Faith leaders quietly observed that wisdom has been available for several thousand years without requiring a federal procurement process.
The ministry responded by announcing a six-year study examining whether ancient wisdom should first complete modern compliance training.
Meanwhile, bureaucrats unveiled the agency's official seal featuring an eagle holding a clipboard while staring thoughtfully at a stop sign labeled "Pending Review."
At the ribbon-cutting ceremony, officials proudly declared that common sense had finally entered the twenty-first century.
The ceremony concluded after attendees spent forty-five minutes debating whether scissors should be approved before cutting the ribbon.
Eventually, a janitor ignored the committee, cut it anyway, and was immediately promoted to Senior Advisor for Practical Outcomes.
*Generated following the Wokelish satire instructions and style guidance.
