WASHINGTON / BRUSSELS — The European Commission reportedly threw a tantrum this week after the Trump administration signaled it may regulate the proposed Netflix–Warner Bros. media merger. Shocked at the audacity, European bureaucrats immediately diagnosed the move as a massive transatlantic affront to culture — like confiscating everyone’s bedtime snacks.
One unnamed Eurocrat, clutching a latte and a stratagem pass, declared: “This is not just a business move — this is cultural sabotage! How dare America put brakes on our soft-power storytelling Monopoly?”
The Trump camp, however, tried to frame it as “anti-monopoly hygiene” and “protecting streaming competition,” which in DC euphemism means “we’re about to make them sing the national anthem backwards.” An official apparently joked, “Look, we don’t want to kill your paddington-bear documentary budget — just make sure it doesn’t eat the whole pie.”
Media analysts who watched the meltdown compared it to seeing toddlers fight over the last crayon in a coloring box labeled “Global Pop Culture.” “They bitch louder when you threaten their rights to sub-par content,” one commentator said.
Meanwhile, fans of streaming platforms aren’t sure whom to side with. On one hand: more competition means lower subscription costs and fewer cringe TV specials about diversity dancing magazines. On the other: some worry about access shrinking faster than their favorite binge queue.
Of course, EU officials took it personally — like a Stockholm influencer losing their Snapchat filter budget. One anonymous Brussels flunky reportedly Googled “How to declare cultural war in under 15 minutes.”
Punchline: So when Netflix and Warner Bros. get regulated, expect EU outrage — and a sudden spike in Netflix original announcements, just to spite the regulators.
