Congressional Democrats entered a House hearing this week fully prepared to accuse DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin of racism, only to suffer what experts are calling "a catastrophic narrative malfunction" after remembering he is a member of the Cherokee Nation.
The hearing reportedly came to a grinding halt as staffers scrambled to locate emergency talking points for situations involving minorities who disagree with Democrats.
"We had a whole presentation ready," said one visibly shaken congressional aide. "Charts, graphs, interpretive dance—everything. Then somebody reminded us he was Native American and the entire PowerPoint burst into flames."
Witnesses say lawmakers immediately launched an investigation into whether Native Americans can still qualify as minorities after expressing politically incorrect opinions.
"This raises troubling questions," said Representative Harmony Evergreen. "If someone belongs to a protected group but refuses to read from the approved script, are they still protected? We're consulting experts."
The Congressional Diversity Compliance Office reportedly convened an emergency summit featuring university professors, social media moderators, and three people whose entire job consists of writing land acknowledgments.
Their preliminary report concluded that identity remains critically important unless it produces inconvenient outcomes.
Meanwhile, cable news analysts spent hours attempting to explain how accusations of racism against a Cherokee cabinet secretary somehow still qualified as anti-racism.
"It's very simple," explained one commentator while drawing arrows on a whiteboard. "Racism is bad, except when it's directed at someone we're currently calling racist for reasons that have not yet been determined."
Activists soon proposed a new federal program called Minority Verification Plus, which would require members of minority groups to submit quarterly political alignment reports.
"If your opinions drift too far from expectations, your status enters probation," said one policy advisor.
Several universities immediately announced new graduate programs in Advanced Identity Recalibration.
Enrollment filled within six minutes.
At press time, lawmakers were drafting legislation requiring all demographic categories to remain synchronized with approved viewpoints to prevent future reality-based disruptions.
The bill is expected to pass shortly after Congress determines whether facts themselves constitute hate speech.
