For years, Americans have begged Washington to fix inflation, secure the border, balance the budget, and stop naming bills the opposite of what they actually do. Congress heard those pleas, ignored almost all of them, and proudly passed legislation to make Daylight Saving Time permanent instead.
Supporters hailed the measure as "the boldest victory over the sun since Joshua."
"This proves government can absolutely control time," declared Senator Maxwell Brightfuture while pointing confidently at a wall clock that still blinked 12:00. "The Earth has revolved around the sun long enough. Frankly, it's time the sun started showing some flexibility."
Federal agencies immediately began preparing educational campaigns explaining that darkness before breakfast is actually "equity for owls."
Meanwhile, several bureaucrats unveiled a 487-page report explaining that clocks had historically exhibited "systemic punctuality bias" against people who enjoy sleeping in.
"We're not changing time," explained one official from the Department of Temporal Wellness. "We're simply creating a more inclusive relationship between citizens and the concept formerly known as morning."
Experts insisted the policy would produce dramatic benefits.
Crime would decrease because criminals would be too confused to know what time it was.
Traffic would improve because commuters would spend the first month arguing with microwave clocks instead of one another.
Congressional approval ratings would rise because Americans would be too busy resetting appliances to notice new spending bills.
Economists joined the celebration.
"If we can manufacture an extra hour of daylight," said Professor Linda Calendar, "the next logical step is manufacturing balanced budgets."
Financial markets reportedly rallied until traders remembered clocks don't create money.
Families across America responded with cautious optimism.
"I'm just excited to stop hearing the debate every six months," said Ohio father Greg Matthews. "Although I'm fully expecting Congress to invent Seasonal Emotional Savings Time by Thanksgiving."
Children were less enthusiastic.
"My dad says bedtime won't change," complained eight-year-old Tyler. "That doesn't sound very democratic."
Teachers welcomed the legislation, noting students already have no idea what day it is.
The media praised lawmakers for tackling an issue that polls consistently ranked somewhere between "paper cuts" and "mildly squeaky shopping carts."
Political consultants quickly advised candidates to promise permanent Tuesday next.
As lawmakers congratulated themselves with a bipartisan ceremony featuring synchronized watch-adjusting, one exhausted janitor quietly asked whether Congress planned to fix anything else this year.
Officials assured him that would require considerably more time.
Fortunately, they now have an extra hour to think about it.
