Washington officials announced Thursday the formation of a brand-new federal department tasked with investigating a mystery that has baffled lawmakers for generations: why government agencies keep getting larger no matter which party is in charge.
The newly established Bureau of Government Expansion Analysis, Oversight, Accountability, Transparency, Efficiency, Streamlining, and Sustainability will reportedly begin operations immediately with a modest annual budget of $14 billion and approximately 23,000 employees.
Congress celebrated the move as a major victory for fiscal responsibility.
“For too long Americans have demanded answers,” said one senator while standing behind seven podiums funded by separate federal grants. “Why does government keep growing? Why does bureaucracy multiply? Why does every solution require another department? These are exactly the questions our newest department will finally answer.”
The agency itself will be divided into twelve sub-agencies, four advisory boards, three diversity councils, and an emergency task force dedicated to determining whether additional subdivisions are necessary.
Officials say early findings are promising.
“We've already identified excessive government growth as a possible concern,” said acting director Melissa Crane. “To properly study this issue, however, we'll need approximately 8,000 more employees.”
Taxpayer advocacy groups expressed skepticism.
“That sounds like the opposite of solving the problem,” one reporter noted.
Government experts quickly corrected the misunderstanding.
“No, no,” explained Crane. “This is strategic expansion. Completely different.”
The White House praised the initiative as a historic step toward transparency.
A spokesperson noted that previous attempts to investigate government waste failed because there weren't enough agencies monitoring the agencies responsible for monitoring waste.
“That gap in oversight has finally been addressed,” she said.
Meanwhile, congressional committees began holding hearings.
Witnesses spent six hours debating whether the agency should receive a second headquarters before determining that additional studies would be needed.
Those studies will be conducted by a newly proposed Office of Study Coordination.
Political leaders from both parties quickly found common ground.
Republicans praised the agency for protecting accountability.
Democrats praised it for creating thousands of government jobs.
Moderates praised it because they weren't entirely sure what it did.
Several lawmakers proposed expanding the department's authority to investigate inflation, healthcare costs, traffic congestion, loneliness, and why nobody reads congressional bills before voting on them.
The proposal reportedly enjoys bipartisan support.
Faith leaders observing the debate offered a simpler explanation.
“Human beings have had a tendency toward building towers and institutions beyond reason for quite a while,” said Pastor Daniel Reeves. “History suggests that creating another committee usually isn't the cure.”
His statement was immediately referred to three oversight panels for further review.
At press time, Congress had approved funding for a second agency tasked with investigating why the first agency required so much funding.
