Congressional leaders gathered Monday in what insiders described as a “moment of profound rediscovery” after realizing that the federal government is, in fact, something that still needs to be funded.
The revelation reportedly came after several lawmakers attempted to use TSA PreCheck lanes and were met with handwritten signs reading, “Good luck, buddy.”
“We just assumed the government ran on vibes and hashtags,” said one unnamed senator while Googling “what does DHS do again.” “Turns out, it actually requires money. Who knew?”
The confusion stems from an ongoing funding standoff in which lawmakers declined to pass a budget, then promptly left town for what aides called a “much-needed break from not doing their jobs.”
Airports, meanwhile, began experiencing minor inconveniences such as security lines stretching into neighboring states and TSA agents accepting homemade coupons as payment.
“I tried to scan a boarding pass, but the machine just played a podcast about equity,” said one stranded traveler. “I think it’s sentient now.”
Despite the chaos, several lawmakers expressed cautious optimism about possibly addressing the situation sometime after their next scheduled recess.
“We’re committed to finding a solution,” said another official. “Right after we determine whose fault it is, assign a task force, and hold at least six press conferences about our concern.”
Critics have pointed out that the same lawmakers who failed to fund the government are now holding urgent hearings on why the government isn’t functioning.
“This is deeply troubling,” said a congressman during a televised statement. “We must investigate why federal agencies are not operating despite receiving zero dollars.”
Meanwhile, negotiations reportedly stalled again after a heated disagreement over whether funding the government would “reward it for existing.”
Progressives proposed a compromise in which agencies would receive funding only if they first pledged to adopt more inclusive mission statements and apologize for historical inconveniences.
“We can’t just throw money at systems,” said one activist advisor. “We need systems that feel safe.”
At press time, Congress had reached a tentative agreement to form a bipartisan committee to study whether funding the government is “aligned with our values,” with results expected sometime shortly after the next ice age.
