Congress voted this week to approve a sweeping $14 billion “Emergency Emotional Recovery Package” for lawmakers suffering mental exhaustion from repeatedly explaining why inflation is actually a sign of progress.
The bipartisan legislation passed within 11 minutes, making it the fastest congressional action since lawmakers renamed a post office after a donor’s uncle.
According to officials, the funding will help representatives cope with the psychological burden of hearing Americans complain about grocery prices.
“It’s emotionally draining,” explained Senator Allison Wexley while exiting a government-funded luxury retreat in Aspen. “Everywhere I go, people ask why eggs cost twelve dollars. Frankly, that kind of negativity creates an unsafe democratic environment.”
The package reportedly includes:
- Taxpayer-funded mindfulness cruises
- Therapy alpacas stationed throughout Capitol Hill
- Emergency stress counselors for members forced to read polling data
- A “safe chamber” where politicians can avoid eye contact with constituents
Several lawmakers became visibly emotional during debate.
“One voter told me he had to work two jobs,” whispered Congressman Tyler Finch. “Do people not realize how hard it is hearing things like that during brunch?”
The legislation also creates a new federal agency called the Department of Economic Feelings, tasked with ensuring Americans discuss inflation “in a more affirming tone.”
Under proposed guidelines, citizens will no longer say:
“I can’t afford groceries.”
Instead, the approved phrase becomes:
“I am participating in dynamic pricing equity.”
The White House praised the initiative as a bold step toward compassionate governance.
“Americans must understand that inflation is a shared emotional journey,” said one administration official. “Sure, gas is expensive, but democracy is priceless.”
Meanwhile, economists expressed confusion after discovering nearly 80% of the bill’s spending was allocated toward “artisan stress management consultants.”
One budget analyst noted Congress spent more money naming the emotional support initiative than fixing the actual economy.
Still, lawmakers insisted sacrifices were necessary.
“You cannot expect public servants to lead this nation while emotionally burdened by public opinion,” said Representative Karen Bellweather. “That’s not sustainable.”
The bill also contains funding for a new congressional wellness hotline where elected officials can immediately report exposure to dangerous working-class frustration.
According to leaked training documents, operators are instructed to calmly reassure panicked lawmakers that “most voters are too busy paying rent to organize effectively.”
In a surprising twist, members of Congress reportedly gave themselves another pay raise moments after passing the legislation, explaining the extra income was needed to offset “inflation-related emotional turbulence.”
At press time, several senators were reportedly recovering after accidentally visiting a real grocery store without media staff present.
One required immediate oxygen after seeing the price of bacon.
