MAYOR GOES FULL THEATER
Appearing on MSNBC, Johnson declared Chicago doesn’t need “a military occupied state.” He then announced plans to defend the city by handing troops copies of Robin DiAngelo’s book until they surrender.
TYRANNY, BUT MAKE IT TRENDY
Johnson assured viewers that “federal troops don’t have police power.” He added, “We’ll block them with progressive improv skits and TikTok dances.” Co-host Jonathan Capehart nodded solemnly, already rehearsing his part.
LOS ANGELES INSPIRATION
The mayor praised L.A.’s “resistance,” citing how citizens bravely threw oat milk lattes at Marines until they retreated to safer ground—like Texas.
CHICAGO’S SECRET WEAPON
According to insiders, Johnson’s battle plan includes deploying social justice flash mobs and a “Feelings First” task force. One alderman suggested renaming Fort Dearborn to “Safe Space Dearborn.”
TRUMP TRIUMPHS AGAIN
In the end, Trump smirked, noting that the loudest threat to Chicago troops was gluten-free muffins. “This is the best resistance,” he laughed, “because I don’t even have to try.”
