Intro: Socrates In Sneakers, Faculty In Fetal Position
Kirk asks, “How do you know?” and twelve departments file for trauma leave. “The inquisitive tone is fascist,” murmurs a tenured oracle clutching a latte.
Witchcraft And Whiteboards
“Etsy witches have peer-reviewed this hex,” says Honors College HR, lighting a sandalwood syllabus. The spell backfires; the chalkboard writes “Read the Bible” by itself.
Free Will Vs. Free Stuff
A student declares crime is compulsory; Kirk replies, “Then who chose to say that?” Marx 101 pulls the fire alarm. “We prefer feelings,” sighs the Dean of Sensitivity.
Reality Under Investigation
“Male and female is an outdated interface,” announces the Bureau of Bio-Feelings. Reality appeals, wins 9-0, and assigns homework: define “woman” without emojis.
Triumphant MAGA Conclusion
The questions outlive the censors. “You can kill a speaker, not a syllogism,” says America First, flipping the campus light switch back to “On.”
Satire grounded in Owen Anderson’s Blaze op-ed “Charlie Kirk: The American Socrates,” Sept. 14, 2025.
