In an act of breathtaking decisiveness, Sen. Bernie Moreno filed the Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025 — because apparently, the Founding Fathers got dual citizenship wrong. Under Moreno’s bill, Americans must choose: one passport, one loyalty, and one overwhelmed bureaucratic filing.
“I took the Oath of Allegiance once — that’s more than enough,” Senator Moreno declaimed at a podium under dramatic lighting. Behind him, a backdrop featured an eagle glaring sternly at a passport. “If you want to be American, it’s all or nothing.” Critics responded that this logic would also ban Americans who enjoy sushi — because loyalty is apparently a one-bite-only kind of thing.
Under the proposed law, dual citizens would have a one-year grace period: pick a nationality, or thank America by leaving. Some political commentators point out this would create a fast-track for mass renunciations — like a clearance sale at the citizenship mall.
One worried dual national reportedly asked, “So if I was born in America, but my parents got me citizenship elsewhere for sentimental reasons, I now have to choose between my childhood and anthropomorphic bald-eagle posters?” The question remains unanswered — but aides assure him he can always choose “Neither…the side salad.”
Supporters of the law say it’s about “undivided loyalty.” But to many it feels like they’re confusing patriotism with passport-control — because nothing says “loyal citizen” like filling out federal paperwork or facing the existential dread of which countries you really belong to.
Punchline: Because nothing says “freedom” like telling compliant adult citizens: “Choose your identity — and hurry up, the eagle’s waiting.”
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