The White House today announced the debut of its newest civic-harmony initiative: the Patriotism Watchlist, a federal database designed to identify Americans whose visible enthusiasm for the nation “exceeds acceptable emotional thresholds.”
A senior official introduced the program with all the calm confidence of someone who has never met a normal citizen. “We’re not targeting patriotism,” she clarified. “We’re simply identifying people who show too much of it. Anything above a polite golf clap for America becomes a potential red flag.”
According to the rollout memo, individuals may trigger an alert by:
- Owning more than one American flag
- Flying said flag at an angle suggesting optimism
- Posting Scripture alongside Fourth-of-July photos
- Knowing the Constitution contains more than vibes
One anonymous bureaucrat expressed excitement that the Watchlist would “finally allow us to address the dangerous rise of gratitude toward the Founders.”
Even more concerning for many is the list’s “Enhanced Monitoring Tier,” reserved for citizens who both love America and pray. A spokesperson explained the risk plainly: “If someone believes rights come from God, not us, we lose market share.”
Critics immediately blasted the program as absurd government overreach, though officials dismissed the pushback. “We are simply protecting democracy,” said one staffer who declined to define the word democracy without several hours of prep time.
A North Dakota rancher interviewed for community response shrugged off the program entirely. “If loving this country gets me on a watchlist,” he said, “then I suppose I’ll be in the premium tier by lunch.”
Still, the administration insists the new system will unify Americans — especially once citizens realize that unity is mandatory and monitored in real time.
The announcement concluded on a reassuring note: “There is no reason to fear the Patriotism Watchlist,” the statement read, “unless you have patriotic tendencies, love your freedoms, admire the Constitution, or enjoy fireworks. If so, please self-report.”
And with that, America took one step closer to a future where the only approved form of patriotism is pretending you don’t have any.
Punchline: Officials stressed the database will remain confidential — except for the part where it automatically posts your name to a public leaderboard titled Most Problematic Patriots, 2025.
