The White House this week unveiled a brand-new initiative to combat “dangerous misinformation,” boldly assuring Americans that this version of the program is nothing like the last one that was quietly deleted from the internet.
Dubbed the Strategic Digital Integrity Partnership Office — or “SDIPO” for short, because nothing says freedom like a comforting acronym — the task force promises to identify false narratives, label them accordingly, and gently guide citizens back to approved thoughts.
“This is not a ‘Ministry of Truth,’” said one senior administration official while standing in front of a 40-foot LED screen that read TRUTH, BUT OFFICIAL. “This is a collaborative, inclusive, equity-centered information alignment initiative.”
According to briefing documents, the new office will focus on “election integrity, public health clarity, and feelings.” The feelings portion is reportedly the largest department.
Critics were quick to point out that a similar effort was previously paused after Americans reacted negatively to the idea of the government grading their Facebook posts like sophomore essays. But officials insist this time is different.
“Last time, people misunderstood us,” said Deputy Associate Assistant Coordinator for Narrative Wellness, Marcia Feldman. “They thought we were going to monitor speech. That’s ridiculous. We’re simply going to monitor speech that needs monitoring.”
The program’s rollout includes a helpful online portal where citizens can report suspicious content, including posts that contain excessive patriotism, unverified optimism about the economy, or memes featuring bald eagles looking judgmental.
One FAQ section clarifies that satire will be permitted “as long as it agrees with us.”
In a press conference, a reporter asked whether the office would define what qualifies as misinformation. The Press Secretary responded confidently: “Of course. That’s why we created the office.”
When pressed for specifics, she added, “Misinformation is anything that undermines confidence in our institutions. And confidence in our institutions is defined as agreeing with them.”
To demonstrate transparency, the White House released a sample list of flagged phrases, including “open border,” “inflation hurts,” and “what does this bill actually do?” Officials clarified that asking questions remains legal, but “tone matters.”
Supporters argue the initiative is essential in an era of viral falsehoods. One media analyst praised the move, saying, “Democracy cannot survive without carefully curated narratives. Freedom requires guardrails. Preferably federally funded guardrails.”
Meanwhile, constitutional scholars have begun dusting off their First Amendment textbooks, flipping to the part that says “Congress shall make no law…” and quietly underlining it several times.
Civil liberties advocates expressed concern that the government defining truth might present a conflict of interest. The administration quickly dismissed that notion.
“Who better to define reality than the people currently running it?” asked Feldman. “It’s efficient.”
To reassure Americans, officials emphasized that participation is voluntary — in the same way that airport security screenings are voluntary.
By week’s end, the new office had already flagged several posts questioning the office’s existence, labeling them “pre-misinformation indicators.” One user received a friendly email reminding him that skepticism can lead to “narrative instability.”
The President concluded the announcement with a call for unity.
“In America,” he said, “we’ve always believed in freedom of speech. And that’s why we’re working so hard to make sure everyone uses it correctly.”
The task force’s slogan, unveiled at the end of the briefing, read:
“Protecting Democracy, One Approved Thought at a Time.”
Americans across the country reportedly nodded in agreement — just in case someone was watching.
