Washington officials announced a new federal emergency initiative after economists reported a deeply troubling trend: some Americans have started buying groceries without experiencing total psychological collapse.
The alarming development reportedly surfaced after inflation cooled slightly in several regions, causing panic among bureaucrats who feared citizens might regain optimism.
“We cannot allow people to become economically comfortable,” explained one unnamed advisor while adjusting three separate climate-awareness lapel pins. “If families can suddenly afford eggs and gasoline, they may stop depending on us emotionally.”
The White House quickly assembled the newly formed Department of Price Stability Anxiety, tasked with ensuring Americans remain appropriately worried about the future.
Among the agency’s first proposals:
A “luxury egg tax” targeting households purchasing more than six eggs without documenting financial despair.
Mandatory warning labels on affordable bacon.
And emotional support counselors stationed inside Costco food courts.
Administration officials defended the measures as necessary safeguards against “reckless consumer confidence.”
“Historically, freedom and disposable income have produced dangerous levels of independent thinking,” said one policy expert. “We learned nothing from the suburbs.”
Meanwhile, media outlets raced to reassure Americans that lower grocery prices were actually problematic.
One cable segment warned viewers that “cheap produce disproportionately benefits people who enjoy eating regularly.”
Another network panel spent 14 minutes explaining how lower gas prices could increase “vehicular privilege.”
Citizens appeared confused.
“I just wanted to grill burgers without refinancing my house,” said Ohio father Mark Benson while nervously hiding two packs of ground beef from nearby reporters.
Others reported feelings of guilt after purchasing name-brand cereal.
“I started crying in aisle seven,” admitted one shopper. “The news told me economic relief was harmful to democracy, so I bought organic lentils to punish myself.”
Progressive economists insisted Americans should remain vigilant.
“Temporary affordability often precedes dangerous patriotism,” warned Professor Dana Kellerman of Berkeley. “History clearly shows financially stable citizens become harder to manipulate.”
The administration also unveiled plans to combat unauthorized happiness through a new “equity pricing initiative,” ensuring no American accidentally experiences too much upward mobility without federal supervision.
Critics questioned whether the government might simply allow markets to function naturally.
Officials dismissed the idea as extremist.
“Unregulated prosperity creates unrealistic expectations,” said one federal advisor. “People start believing they deserve functioning economies.”
Late Friday evening, authorities reportedly deployed inflation experts to several Midwestern grocery stores after eyewitnesses claimed families were purchasing steak voluntarily.
At press time, CNN analysts confirmed affordable milk was likely connected to “far-right agricultural rhetoric.”
