The White House this week proudly introduced its newest press secretary, describing her as “deeply qualified,” “historically significant,” and “capable of explaining why inflation is actually your fault for buying groceries.”
Officials say the hire reflects the administration’s ongoing commitment to communication, defined internally as “talking until reporters forget what they asked.”
During her first briefing, the new press secretary responded to questions about rising costs, border chaos, and international instability by narrowing her eyes, sighing loudly, and reminding journalists that “context matters,” though she declined to explain which context or why it never applies to the administration.
“When Americans say they’re struggling, what they really mean is they don’t understand how well they’re doing,” she explained. “And frankly, that’s a messaging problem — for them.”
She later clarified that inflation statistics were “emotionally misleading,” border crossings were “aspirational,” and foreign adversaries were “simply expressing themselves inappropriately.”
One reporter attempted a follow-up question but was immediately corrected for using the word crisis, which the press secretary described as “a term rooted in harmful expectations of competence.”
Behind the scenes, aides say the administration specifically sought a candidate with three key qualifications: the ability to avoid yes-or-no answers, the confidence to deny video evidence while it plays, and the stamina to appear outraged at the public for being confused.
“She’s perfect,” said one senior official. “She can explain why something didn’t happen, why it happening is good, and why asking about it is offensive — all in the same sentence.”
The press secretary reportedly trains daily by watching old press briefings, practicing facial expressions in the mirror, and repeating the mantra, ‘That’s not what the American people are focused on.’
At press time, the White House confirmed plans to roll out a new transparency initiative in which all future briefings will be conducted using interpretive dance and pre-approved talking points written entirely in the passive voice.
