THE RESURRECTION
HOLY MOLY, HE'S ALIVE! Former President Biden popped out of his Delaware bunker yesterday like a confused groundhog to announce six more weeks of complaining! Clutching what appeared to be a World War II history coloring book, Biden called the BBC to accuse Trump of "modern-day appeasement" for daring to stop bombs from falling. Witnesses report Biden then spent 20 minutes trying to hang up the phone by tapping it against his ice cream cone.
WAR GOOD, PEACE BAD
Biden became visibly agitated when told Trump might actually END the war, causing him to spill Metamucil on his "World's Greatest Grandpa/War Funder" trophy. "I sent them $65 BILLION and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!" Biden reportedly shouted while his handlers quickly hid the TV remote showing footage of Trump's peace negotiations. When asked how much territory Ukraine should give up, Biden responded, "Listen, fat, I once gave up my territory at a public pool to Corn Pop, and that's how I defeated Normandy!"
GEOGRAPHY IS HARD
Biden then went nuclear on Trump's comments about Panama, Greenland, and Canada, places he reportedly tried to find on a map before mistaking it for his breakfast placemat. "What president talks like that?" wheezed the man who once declared, "I don't know where I am, but I know where I'm going!" Trump later suggested trading Biden to Russia in exchange for world peace, causing Putin to immediately withdraw all proposals.
DEMOCRACY DYING HOURLY
"Democracy hasn't been this threatened since me and George Washington crossed the Delaware!" Biden declared while his nurse changed the channel from a History documentary to Matlock. European leaders reportedly sent Biden a "Thank You For Your Service" fruit basket with a note reading, "Thanks for stepping aside so we could finally get some sleep during NATO meetings."
MAGA WINNING STREAK
As Trump adds "ending major European land war" to his first 100 days accomplishments, Biden's staff has converted his basement into a fake Situation Room where he spends his days sending imaginary billions to Ukraine via Monopoly money. When told the real war might end soon, Biden reportedly asked, "Yeah, but what about the war on malarkey? That's still going strong, Jack!"
