ICE Agents Now Required to Wear Pink Tutus to Appease Tim Walz
In a recent commencement speech, Governor Tim Walz likened ICE agents to a "modern-day Gestapo," sparking controversy and a flurry of proposed reforms. To distance the agency from such comparisons, Walz suggested that agents adopt a more whimsical appearance, including wearing pink tutus and carrying lollipops during operations.
Sensitivity Training on Unicorn Ranch
To further humanize ICE agents, Walz has mandated sensitivity training sessions to be held on a unicorn ranch. These sessions aim to teach agents the importance of empathy, kindness, and the therapeutic power of glitter. "It's time our enforcement officers learn the magic of friendship," Walz stated.
Replacing ICE with 'Feelings Enforcement Squad'
Taking reform a step further, Walz proposed disbanding ICE entirely in favor of a new agency: the "Feelings Enforcement Squad." This team would focus on ensuring that all individuals feel safe and validated, regardless of immigration status. "Enforcement should be about emotions, not laws," Walz emphasized.
Agents to Use Nerf Guns to Avoid Intimidation
Addressing concerns about the intimidating presence of armed agents, Walz recommended that ICE personnel replace their firearms with Nerf guns. "A soft foam dart sends a message of peace and understanding," he explained.
Trump Responds with Sarcasm
Former President Donald Trump responded to Walz's proposals with characteristic sarcasm, stating, "Maybe next they'll want ICE agents to sing lullabies during arrests. Sad!"
