A major American university proudly unveiled its latest Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiative this week, confirming it will foster “maximum inclusion” by quietly excluding students who hold traditional views, religious convictions, or the dangerous belief that math has correct answers.
University officials described the program as a “safe space for all voices,” clarifying moments later that “all” refers only to voices that have already been approved by the Office of Acceptable Thought.
“This is about belonging,” said a campus administrator. “And some people simply don’t belong unless they change everything they believe.”
The initiative includes mandatory workshops teaching students how to identify microaggressions, macroaggressions, and “pre-aggressions,” which are thoughts that might someday become offensive if left unregulated.
One training module reportedly instructs students to apologize in advance for opinions they haven’t expressed yet, just to be safe.
University leadership insists the program is not ideological. “We don’t tell students what to think,” explained a DEI coordinator. “We simply explain which thoughts are harmful, problematic, outdated, offensive, or subject to disciplinary review.”
Students who raised concerns were gently reminded that disagreement is welcome—as long as it occurs silently and internally.
Religious student groups expressed worry that faith-based beliefs are being reclassified as “acts of exclusion.” Administrators responded by offering optional sensitivity sessions scheduled during chapel times.
“This campus values diversity,” said one official. “Which is why we’ve worked so hard to eliminate ideological diversity. It was getting confusing.”
The program also introduces a new reporting system allowing students to anonymously flag classmates for “potential discomfort generation,” including improper pronoun usage, unauthorized optimism, or quoting historical documents without a disclaimer.
Faculty members applauded the effort, noting it creates a more “harmonious learning environment” by removing the stress of debate, discussion, or exposure to opposing viewpoints.
At press time, the university confirmed it remains committed to preparing students for the real world—by ensuring they never encounter it.
