The Pentagon, Washington, DC - A spokesman for the Army was exuberant as he announced that the U.S. military will phase out older versions of the AGM-114 Hellfire missiles for new versions that run on solar power. “We’re also going to paint a rainbow flag on them!” said the spokesman as the press gave a round of applause.
“Wow, we’re going to spread so much woke democracy with these bad boys,” a press representative from MSNBC was heard saying from the crowd. The Army spokesman continued his announcement by adding, “And when they’re launched from an AH-64 Apache Attack helicopter, they’re going to play a Lizzo song from a loudspeaker.”
Overall the press seemed thrilled with the announcement from the military, with some members saying that it was “an extremely important step for progressivism” and others touting the program’s “new ability to spread democracy by force throughout the world.”
It remains to be seen how much the program will cost, or how effective the next-generation Hellfire missiles will be on the battlefield. But one thing is clear: these new missiles will be super duper woke.
