TYLENOL TAKES THE FALL
Trump announced Tylenol is basically chemical child abuse. “So taking Tylenol is not good,” he declared, while liberals screamed for Advil reparations.
RFK JR. SAVES THE WORLD
RFK Jr., now HHS boss, claimed, “By September we’ll fix autism entirely. Probably with bleach and prayer.” CNN fact-checkers fainted on air.
BIG PHARMA MELTDOWN
Kenvue, Tylenol’s maker, lost billions overnight. Their spokesman whined, “We have zero evidence Tylenol causes autism.” Which, of course, is exactly what a guilty bottle would say.
DEMOCRATS STILL CONFUSED
Nancy Pelosi demanded Congress rename Tylenol “White Male Oppression Tablets.” Gavin Newsom suggested replacing it with kale smoothies and mandatory yoga.
MAGA CURE APPROVED
Trump ended strong: “Tylenol is fake medicine. MAGA is the real cure.” America cheered, liberals cried, and the shelves of Walgreens trembled.
