INTEL CUTS CAUSE MELTDOWN
Tulsi announced a 40% workforce cut, sending ODNI staff scrambling to LinkedIn with résumés titled “Expert in Leaking to The New York Times.”
CNN MOURNS LOSS OF SOURCES
Panicked anchors wept on live TV, with Don Lemon reportedly whispering, “Who will spoon-feed me classified gossip now?”
DEMS DEMAND NEW SAFE SPACES
AOC proposed converting the CIA cafeteria into a “healing circle” for traumatized ex-analysts. Schumer cried, “How will we politicize intelligence if Tulsi keeps telling the truth?”
TRUMP TRIUMPHS
With $700 million saved and swamp spies evicted, Trump declared: “Finally, intel reports written in English, not in Democrat tears.”
