Intro: Shutdown Surprise Party
The Midnight Deadline Came, And So Did The Dramatic Threat To “Cut Vast Numbers” — Which Sounds Like A Yard Sale For Federal Employees. “We’re Just Decluttering Washington,” A Source Allegedly Said While Holding A Label Maker.
The Great Layoff Bake Sale
Officials Promised Efficiency; Critics Promised Op-Ed Columns. One Imaginary Memo Suggested Replacing Agencies With A Single App — It Has Twelve Buttons, None Of Which Work.
The Obamacare Cliffhanger
Democrats Fume Over Subsidies; Republicans Fume Over Fuming Democrats. “We’re Not Funding Clipboards For Noncitizens,” An Aide Allegedly Announced, While A Clip Art Of America Threw Up Its Hands.
Bureaucracy Goes On Hiatus
Thousands Might Be Laid Off, Or Given “Voluntary Administrative Sabbaticals” — Also Known As Being Told To Water Their Desk Plants At Home.
Conclusion: Victory Lap With A Hole Puncher
Shutdown Or Not, The Punchline’s Clear: Less Red Tape, Fewer Red Tape Jobs — And More Room For Common Sense (And Common-Sense Hats). MAGA Forever — And Pass Me The Hole Puncher.