APOCALYPSE NOW: WHO WORRIES ABOUT SUNBURNS
As Israel gears up to vaporize more than 10 of Iran's nuclear sites, the World Health Organization bravely voiced its main concern: potential sunburns. "We are deeply distressed that the Middle East might get slightly warmer," said WHO chief Tedros, while applying SPF 9000.
UN EXPERTS FEAR THE PLANTS MIGHT CATCH A COLD
Meanwhile, UN nuclear watchdogs issued dire warnings about radiological and chemical contamination. "Imagine the horror if Tehran's houseplants wilt," gasped one UN official while sipping organic soy lattes in Geneva.
IRAN REBRANDS NUCLEAR LEAK AS WELLNESS RETREAT
In a bold PR move, Tehran announced plans to open glow-in-the-dark yoga retreats. "Our citizens will bask in natural radiance," said Iran's Tourism Minister, donning a fashionable lead-lined jumpsuit.
TRUMP DEMANDS FULL SURRENDER, NO HUGS ALLOWED
Returning from the G7, President Trump laid down the law: "No ceasefires. No kumbaya moments. We want an end, folks. The kind with lots of smoke and very big booms."
MAGA VICTORY: IRAN GETS SCHOOLED IN REAL POWER
As Tehran braces for impact, one thing is clear: American strength, guided by Trump, means business. And business is booming... literally.
