TRUMP WARNS: FLAMETHROWER MODE ACTIVATED
On Truth Social, Trump announced that Putin is “playing with fire,” which international analysts confirmed is the diplomatic version of “I’m not mad, just disappointed.” Trump added, “Something happened to this guy — maybe gluten.”
KREMLIN DIAGNOSIS: “EMOTIONALLY OVERLOADED”
The Kremlin responded by gently patting Trump on the head and recommending essential oils. “He’s a passionate man,” said spokesman Dmitry Peskov. “He probably just needs a nap and a coloring book.”
ZELENSKY TOLD TO STOP TALKING — WORLD BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF
Trump accused Zelensky of saying things out loud that make wars worse. “He talks too much,” Trump sighed. “He should mime more. Or do interpretive dance.”
MAGA: THE ONLY ADULT IN THE ROOM
While world leaders throw verbal Molotovs, Trump positions himself as the only guy holding the fire extinguisher — and also possibly the matches.
Want the next one focused on Ukraine? Or a full parody of Peskov’s “emotional overload” spin?
