TRUMP STARTS WITH A BANG
“Defense? What are we, Switzerland?” Trump roared, tossing back Diet Coke like it was victory champagne. “We used to WIN with War! Now we sit around knitting helmets.”
DEMOCRATS MELTDOWN
Nancy Pelosi shrieked, “If we rename it War, China might get upset!” AOC proposed instead calling it the Department of Sustainable Unicorn Mediation.
PENTAGON GETS PUMPED
Generals reportedly blasted “Eye of the Tiger” while spray-painting WAR in block letters across the Pentagon parking lot. “We’re tired of defense posture yoga,” one shouted.
MEDIA LOSES IT
CNN analysts warned that renaming might cause “toxic masculinity tremors.” Don Lemon sighed, “Next he’ll rename CNN to Fake News International.”
MAGA TRIUMPH
Trump ended: “Under War, we won everything. Under me, we’ll win everything again—except elections Democrats try to rig.” Crowd chanted: WAR! WAR! WAR!
