NUCLEAR DIPLOMACY: TRUMP STYLE
President Trump, clearly inspired by the art of Ultimatums, shortened a 50‑day negotiation window with Putin to “10 or 12 days” because “America runs on deadlines, not feelings.” When Russia didn’t RSVP fast enough, Trump sent two nuclear submarines to say hi. Then slapped on tariffs for flavor. Bold move, Cotton.
MEDVEDEV GOES FULL BOND VILLAIN
Enter Dmitry Medvedev—Putin's right‑hand troll—who told Trump to “remember Dead Hand” (Russia’s doomsday system) and warned him not to go “full Sleepy Joe.” The man skipped diplomacy and went straight to Cold War Cosplay. It’s not clear if he was threatening Trump, America, or his own WiFi provider.
UNDERSEA SHADE MATCH: COMMENCE
Trump’s response? Deploy the USS Clapback and the SS Ultimatum. Military experts noted the move was more symbolic than strategic, since nuclear subs already patrol 24/7. But hey—when you’ve got nukes, why not make a PR stunt out of it? It’s like sending a Ferrari to pick up a pizza.
BIDEN CALLED... AND NO ONE CARED
Meanwhile, Biden reportedly attempted to issue a statement, but it was drowned out by the sound of nuclear engines revving at sea. Kamala nodded solemnly while Googling “What is a Medvedev?” The State Department called it “unexpected,” which is diplomatic for “Oh crap.”
MAKE NUKES GREAT AGAIN
With his trademark subtlety, Trump brought global diplomacy back to its roots: deadlines, threats, and giant metal sharks. As he told reporters: “I wanted peace, but they chose war. So I gave them subs. Big ones. Beautiful ones. The best underwater war machines.”
MAGA just went maritime.
