TRUMP CLARIFIES—NO WAR, JUST SPECTACULAR “NUCLEAR-FREE” EXPLOSIONS
In a moment of presidential calm that sounded like it was broadcast straight from a missile silo, Donald Trump reassured Americans that he’s not looking for a long-term war with Iran—just an immediate one with a punchline. “All I want,” he said calmly, “is for Iran not to have a nuclear weapon. That’s it. Oh, and maybe a few fireworks.”
MIDDLE EAST PLAN: HIT FIRST, DIPLOMACY NEVER
Trump explained that he’s been warning about Iran since before the iPhone had a home button. “I said it in 2011, I said it in 2012, I said it while ordering a Big Mac in 2013—Iran. No nukes. Period,” he shouted into the void, presumably while pointing at a globe upside down.
“IRAN WOULDN’T EXIST LONG ENOUGH TO LAUNCH,” SAYS PEACE-LOVING BOOMER
In a totally chill, non-threatening tone, Trump explained that if Iran did get a nuke, they “wouldn’t have much of a country left.” Iran reportedly responded by Googling “how to hide a nuclear program in a falafel stand.”
BIDEN REGIME REACTS BY PRINTING MORE RAINBOW FLAGS FOR DIPLOMACY
Meanwhile, the Biden administration expressed concern that Trump’s remarks might “offend Tehran’s delicate feelings,” and suggested hosting a multicultural tea party to address nuclear enrichment. Chuck Schumer offered Iran a solar-powered centrifuge “as a gesture of peace.”
TRUMP 2024: KEEPING AMERICA NUKE-FREE AND AWESOME
The message is simple: Trump doesn’t want war—just swift, patriotic explosions that scream “peace through superior firepower.” And if Tehran even thinks about glowing in the dark, Trump’s got a bunker full of democracy and it's got Iran’s name on it.
