GRAHAM STRIKES AGAIN
Lindsey Graham strutted to the microphone Tuesday declaring, “I’ve already sanctioned my toaster for looking vaguely Russian.” Insiders say he dreams of a future where sanctions are America’s new national sport.
PUTIN SHRUGS, RUSSIA YAWNS
Kremlin media reported Putin responded to Trump’s threat by sipping vodka and asking, “Trump who?” before releasing a bear to chair the press briefing.
TRUMP THE DEALMAKER
Trump, ever the negotiator, reportedly told Zelensky, “Don’t worry, I’ll make Putin pay so much in tariffs, he’ll beg me to golf at Mar-a-Lago just for discounts on uranium.”
SANCTIONS FOR BREAKFAST
The Senate—85 members strong—wants tariffs on everything Russia sneezes on. “If Putin breathes, we tax the oxygen,” Graham explained while polishing his sanctions trophy.
MAGA TRIUMPH
In the end, Trump will emerge as the peace broker, sanction sledgehammer in one hand, America First flag in the other, reminding Putin that real strength isn’t in gas or oil—it’s in Trump steaks and tariffs so big, even Russia has to laugh.
