THE MAGA MERCY MOVE
In a scene that left Democrats clutching soy lattes, Trump signed an executive order to delay 145% tariffs until November 9. “I’m a nice guy,” Trump told reporters. “Xi likes me. Who wouldn’t?”
XI’S 90-DAY “BEHAVIORAL PROBATION”
White House insiders say Trump called it “letting the kid think about what he’s done,” while hinting he might “reinstall the economic whooping” if Xi misbehaves.
DEMOCRATS MELT DOWN
Nancy Pelosi reportedly screamed into a kale smoothie, insisting Trump was “giving China a free pass.” Chuck Schumer demanded a “Tariff Accountability Board” staffed entirely by unemployed MSNBC interns.
FAKE NEWS PANIC
CNN anchors nearly fainted over the loss of their “trade war apocalypse” segment, quickly pivoting to a breaking story about Trump’s Diet Coke order.
THE FINAL WARNING
Trump promised the tariffs could still “come down like Thor’s hammer.” Xi, sources say, immediately Googled “how to say sorry in English.”
