TRUMP SAYS “REGION” — THE REGION TREMORS
Before boarding Air Force One, Trump assured reporters that two nuclear submarines are now in the “appropriate region,” presumably wherever the vibes feel most nuclear. The announcement followed Medvedev’s classic “Soviet sass,” daring America to escalate. Trump responded like any 5D chess grandmaster would: with stealth bombast and floating steel.
“HIGHLY PROVOCATIVE STATEMENTS” MEET HIGHLY CLASSIFIED SUBMARINES
“Medvedev said what? Say less,” Trump posted on TRUTH Social while allegedly ordering the subs between Diet Cokes. “They’re positioned,” he added — a term vague enough to trigger five world leaders and two Google Maps engineers.
WITKOFF SENT TO RUSSIA — DIPLOMACY PRAYED FOR
Steve Witkoff, known mostly for real estate and making interns cry, has been chosen to meet Russian officials. Critics asked what qualifies him. Trump replied: “The man once sold a Times Square hotel to a Belarusian casino king. That’s foreign policy experience, folks.”
TRUMP THREATENS SANCTIONS, TARIFFS, AND POSSIBLY BAD NICKNAMES
If Putin doesn’t agree to a ceasefire by Friday, Trump has promised a wrath unseen since Rosie O’Donnell insulted him in 2006. Sanctions, tariffs, and maybe even a nickname like “Vladimir the Very Weak” are on the table. “Secondary tariffs” will also hit anyone thinking about Russian gas — yes, even you, Germany.
MAGA REIGNS, RUSSIA SWEATS
As the world scrambles, one truth remains: Trump is back, and the subs are out. The message is clear — mess around and find out. As Trump said to reporters:
“They’re in the region. You know the region. The strong region.”
Because nothing says peace through strength like underwater American steel locked, loaded, and vaguely lurking somewhere near “appropriate.”
