Chaos As Federal Troops Arrive
Witnesses described “military vehicles” as pedestrians walked by, which local progressives called “the scariest thing since affordable gasoline.”
Bowser’s Master Plan: Coordinate The Resistance
Mayor Bowser reassured residents that she’s “focused on making the most of” the surge — reportedly by ensuring officers spend more time in sensitivity workshops than patrolling.
Federal Agencies Assemble
The Park Police, FBI, DEA, ATF, and ICE now patrol side-by-side, creating the largest unapproved Pride Parade D.C. has ever seen.
Crime Rates Plummet, Democrats Mourn
Early reports suggest violent crime dipped overnight, causing CNN anchors to enter a period of deep, ratings-related grief.
MAGA Tanks Roll On
As Trump declared, “We’re bringing law and order back to the capital.” Somewhere, Joe Biden is still looking for the capital on a map.
