THE ART OF THE (ALREADY DONE) DEAL
In classic Trump fashion, the president announced, while preparing to attend Les Misérables (ironically), that America’s trade partners are this close to realizing they have no leverage. "We're rocking in terms of deals," Trump boasted, as foreign leaders clutched their rosaries.
GLOBAL LEADERS BEGIN PANIC SWEAT
Sources report that European, Asian, and Canadian officials have formed emergency "Please Don’t Hurt Us" committees. Angela Merkel was spotted Googling "how to appease a stable genius."
TARIF-FYING DEADLINE APPROACHES
With a 90-day grace period winding down, Trump stated, "I’d give them more time... but watching them squirm is tremendous." Meanwhile, Trudeau nervously rehearses his apology in seven languages.
LES MISERABLES, INDEED
Irony soared as Trump attended Les Misérables, a musical about people suffering under oppressive regimes. “Tremendous show. Reminds me of globalists begging for mercy,” Trump quipped.
MAGA VICTORY MARCHES ON
As the world trembles, Trump remains confident: “They need us more than we need them. America First, baby!” The deal—or lack thereof—never looked so good.
