Trump Buys Intel With Couch Cushion Change, Democrats Demand Chips Be Made Out Of Kale

by: Editor-in-Chief
Aug. 25, 2025
Source: CNBC
08/25/2025

Trump Buys Intel With Couch Cushion Change, Democrats by is licensed under

TRUMP PRINTS BILLIONS OUT OF THIN AIR

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick announced Trump snagged Intel stock at yard-sale prices. Democrats fainted, demanding to know why the deal wasn’t funneled through Hunter Biden’s art gallery.

AOC DECLARES “EQUITY” MEANS FREE iPHONES

AOC demanded the 10% stake be redistributed as iPhones for everyone under 30. “It’s unfair chips are used in computers instead of feelings,” she sobbed.

HILLARY OFFERS TO MANAGE EMAIL SERVERS

Hillary Clinton offered to “secure” Intel servers—translation: delete them faster than you can say “Benghazi.”

SCHUMER DEMANDS CHIPS BE VEGAN

Chuck Schumer promised legislation requiring every Intel chip to be “100% cruelty-free silicon,” powered exclusively by kale smoothies.

MAGA CHIPS WIN AGAIN

Trump crowed on Truth Social: “We paid nothing. Now worth $11 BILLION. Greatest deal since the Louisiana Purchase, but with Wi-Fi!” Democrats cried, America laughed, Intel soared.

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