In a move that has the world scratching its heads and politely apologizing, former President Donald Trump unveiled his brand-new international institution this week: the Board of Peace — an elite, Trump-run council charged with ending conflicts everywhere, except in Canada (because they already said sorry enough).
“We looked at the United Nations,” Trump said, flanked by more flags than a diplomat’s sock drawer, “and said, ‘This place… is weak.’ Then we looked at Canada and said, ‘They’re too polite. Peace already exists there — move along.’ So we made this.” Sources inside the Board report the first item on the agenda is ending wars by sending aggressively confident postcards stamped “From Great America.”
Critics were quick to question the logic. “How do you negotiate peace with nations if you banish the ones who invented polite negotiation?” asked one baffled diplomat. Trump’s response? “We don’t negotiate nicely. We negotiate winningly. And Canada is just too polite to win.” Rumor has it the Board’s peace toolkit includes a golden bullhorn and mandatory daily chants of “America First, World Second (Maybe).”
When asked about including traditional peacekeeping nations like Sweden or Switzerland, Trump paused, spun a globe, and said, “We’ll get to them… after we see what happens with Canada. They owe us maple syrup anyway.” Meanwhile, Canada reportedly responded by inviting the entire Board to a hockey game — the nicest way to say “No thanks.”
Members of the Board of Peace have already been dispatched to conflict zones with marching orders that include “Make peace so impressive that everyone can’t help but brag about it.” Global reactions ranged from stunned silence to polite applause.
Foreign policy analysts are trying to pin an exact definition on the new strategy. One scholar offered: “It’s like carrot diplomacy — except the carrots are giant neon signs saying ‘Peace Happens Here.’”
In his final address announcing the Board’s first major action — a peace summit held entirely on a golf course — Trump declared, “We will make peace so good, the earth will be more peaceful than Canada, which we consider the gold standard in niceness, but not in winning.”
The Board has also launched its first peace challenge: nations must beat Trump at plaid golf shirts and bespoke aviator sunglasses before negotiations can begin. Sources claim it’s very diplomatic.
