A New Era of Curated Contrition
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Smithsonian Institution, responding to feedback that its vast collection of historical artifacts was “problematic,” “triggering,” and “aggressively three-dimensional,” announced a sweeping new initiative Tuesday to modernize America’s museums. The plan involves systematically removing all objects of historical significance and replacing them with small, tastefully designed plaques featuring a QR code.
When scanned, each code will direct visitors to a short video of a museum official explaining why the object that used to be there was offensive, and offering a sincere, tearful apology on behalf of history.
“Physical artifacts are relics of a colonialist mindset,” explained Dr. Kaden Brayleigh, the Smithsonian’s newly appointed Chief Deconstruction Officer. “The Wright Flyer, for example, represents a violent intrusion into avian spaces. The Star-Spangled Banner is a textile-based microaggression against nations who have never won a war. By replacing these objects with apologies, we transform our museums from galleries of oppressive achievement into safe spaces for restorative grievance.”
From Tangible History to Digital Self-Flagellation
The first phase of the project will target the National Museum of American History. The original flag that inspired the national anthem will be replaced by a code linking to a video titled, “Acknowledging the Problematic Loom: Weaving, Whiteness, and War.”
Similarly, the exhibit on the American presidency will be cleared out, leaving only a single QR code. This will lead to a 45-part video series, one for each president, detailing their every moral failing in a somber tone set to funereal chamber music. The video for William Henry Harrison, who served for only 31 days, will still be 90 minutes long.
“History isn’t about what happened,” Dr. Brayleigh clarified while supervising the crating of Abraham Lincoln’s top hat, which will be replaced by a code linking to an interpretive dance about the carbon footprint of 19th-century haberdasheries. “It’s about how what happened makes us feel right now. And for too long, these objects have made people feel… educated. We’re here to change that.”
Visitor Reactions and Future Plans
Early visitor reactions to a pilot program at the Air and Space Museum were mixed. One family from Nebraska reportedly spent twenty minutes scanning the code where the Spirit of St. Louis used to be, only to watch a video of a gender studies professor explaining how Charles Lindbergh’s solo flight was a “parable of toxic masculinity and unchecked aero-normativity.”
“I just wanted to see the airplane,” said father of three, Dale Peterson, looking confused. “But I did learn that the concept of ‘altitude’ is a social construct. So that’s something.”
The Smithsonian has already secured funding for the project’s next phase, which will see the National Museum of Natural History’s dinosaur hall replaced by QR codes apologizing to any paleontologists who may have been misgendered during a dig. The Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, in particular, has been singled out for removal due to its “unsettling display of carnivorous privilege.”
“Ultimately, our goal is a completely empty museum,” Dr. Brayleigh stated, gesturing to a vast, vacant hall. “A perfect, silent space where no one can be offended by the past. Visitors will simply scan the code at the entrance, receive a single, all-encompassing apology for America, and then be gently guided to the gift shop, where they can purchase a tote bag that says ‘I Am Part of the Problem.’”
