Intro: Welcome To The Shutdown Spa
The lights went out, the bureaucracy lit scented candles, and Democrats screamed, “How dare Trump unplug our favorite money hose!”
Budget Hostage Negotiations, Now With Yoga
Reporters hyperventilate while a staffer whispers, “In… trillions… out… accountability.” Schumer allegedly sighed, “$18 billion keeps me warm,” while a nearby intern applied emotional support ketchup.
Runway Realities
JD Vance warned delays could stack like pretzels. A mock TSA memo read: “Please remove shoes, belts, and expectations. We’re on vibe-based payroll.”
Empire State Of Freeze
New York’s mega-project cash gets iced and the White House posts Schumer-as-hot-dog. A fictional Schumer quote: “Relish is infrastructure.” Media calls it “sausage-based governance.”
MAGA Spring Cleaning
Trump looks at the file cabinet and asks, “Does this paperwork spark joy?” Shred. The swamp clutches pearls; America First pours the Drano. “We can’t function without bloat!” cries a make-believe bureaucrat. Voters reply: “Watch.”
