WASHINGTON — In what insiders are calling the politest fistfight in recent political memory, Ben Shapiro took the Heritage Foundation podium this week and basically gave every man with a podcast a crash course in “How Not to Be a Walking Controversy.”
It began as a civil conversation about Shapiro’s new book — you know, the one with the riveting title Lions and Scavengers: The True Story of America (and Her Critics) — and quickly morphed into a civics lesson mash-up with Etiquette for Radicals 101. “Conservatism is not a free-for-all buffet,” Shapiro declared, while flipping to a slide that clearly showed a cartoon lion politely barring entry to a snarling hyena. “If you let every bizarre voice in — including ones that treat antisemitism as casual dinner conversation — you end up with a buffet nobody wants to visit.”
The Heritage Foundation’s president, Kevin Roberts, had envisioned a thoughtful afternoon of ideas. Instead, what unfolded was less Yale discussion panel and more eagle-eyed schoolmarm calling out the kid who brought a foghorn to assembly. Roberts looked on stoically as Shapiro sternly — yet politely — redefined the word “conservative” in real time. “Ideological border control,” Shapiro called it, which is basically a polite way of saying “no toeing the line toward Nick Fuentes guest appearances.”
Tucker Carlson, who was not invited onstage but probably would love to be invited — ideally beside a plate of hot takes — was described by Shapiro as “an enthusiast of strange bedfellows and stranger guest lists.” Shapiro’s tone was less hate-filled screed and more stern parent explaining why the family pet is not allowed at Thanksgiving dinner anymore.
The crowd? A mix of applause, confused nods, and the occasional Twitter-ready gasp. Megyn Kelly, sitting somewhere in the audience, was reportedly both impressed and slightly concerned that anyone could be so polite while dropping rhetorical bombs. “It was like watching a diplomat with a flamethrower,” one attendee laughed later.
The real punchline came when a Heritage intern — who had carefully prepared a tray of tea and biscuits for what she thought was a calm discussion — realized the biscuits were metaphors all along. As Shapiro wrapped up, he thanked the Foundation for “providing a stage for vigorous debate,” then gently suggested next time they maybe skip the half-baked conspiracy chorus and focus on actual conservative principles.
In closing Shapiro quipped, “If conservatism is a kingdom, let’s not let the jesters break all the furniture.” Roberts nodded appreciatively, then promptly drafted a Heritage Foundation memo about “no pets in the conference hall unless they’re actual pets.” It was the civility-soaked smackdown that America didn’t know it needed.
Final punchline: Heritage now offers a new seminar: “Conservative Civil Discourse — No Caps Lock Required.”
