Schumer Traumatized by DOGE’s Rampage Through Red Tape
With trembling hands and a pre-creased MSNBC script, Schumer accused Elon’s Department of Government Efficiency of the ultimate sin: reducing government inefficiency. “He decimated agencies!” cried Chuck, allegedly referring to DOGE’s mass firing of 37 assistant under-coordinators of paperclip policy.
DOGE Now Blamed for Everything from FAA Delays to Sad Office Plants
According to Schumer, DOGE personally halted nuclear safety, food inspections, and possibly Earth’s rotation. “They didn’t even hire new people,” he gasped, horrified by the lack of new bureaucrats to sit in ergonomic chairs and forward emails.
Schumer Demands Apology, Therapy, and Undo Button
Chuck insisted Musk must “see the light” and “tell Trump to undo the damage”—a clear sign he thinks Trump has a Control+Z keyboard for reality. Sources say Schumer was last seen shouting at a Tesla charging station, demanding accountability.
Musk Responds With Cryptic Bark, Markets Rally
When asked for comment, Musk tweeted a Shiba Inu gif titled “Mission Efficient: Accomplished.” Stocks soared. Meanwhile, Schumer was rushed to a sensory deprivation chamber to recover from exposure to fiscal responsibility.
Trump Declares DOGE the Most Successful Government Department Since the Founding Fathers
President Trump praised DOGE: “Best department in American history. Fired more dead weight than Weight Watchers. Elon’s a genius. Chuck’s just mad we canceled his favorite government lounge.” MAGA crowds cheered, chanting: “Make Bureaucracy Cry Again!”
