Congressional leaders this week proudly announced a breakthrough funding deal for the Department of Homeland Security, carefully crafted to fund everything except the part that actually secures the homeland.
The bill, hailed as a “historic compromise,” ensures full funding for administrative offices, diversity initiatives, and ergonomic desk chairs—while politely excluding immigration enforcement, which lawmakers say has been “problematic for the vibes.”
“This is what governing looks like,” said one senator while unveiling a 2,000-page document titled The Border Is a State of Mind. “We listened to the American people and delivered meaningful action—specifically, action that avoids doing anything controversial.”
Supporters of the bill emphasized that by not funding enforcement agencies, they have effectively eliminated the perception of a border crisis altogether.
“You can’t have a border problem if you stop measuring it,” explained a senior aide. “It’s basic science. Like if you throw away your scale, you technically lose weight.”
Critics, however, pointed out that the southern border remains open, chaotic, and heavily trafficked. Lawmakers dismissed these concerns as “outdated, pre-redefinition thinking.”
“We’ve moved beyond physical borders,” said another official. “In today’s modern world, borders are more about emotional boundaries. And frankly, America needs to be more open.”
The legislation also includes $4 million for a new federal task force tasked with rebranding illegal immigration as “spontaneous global relocation,” a term officials say is “less judgmental and more inclusive.”
Meanwhile, several lawmakers expressed frustration that enforcement agencies kept insisting on doing enforcement.
“It’s very disruptive,” said one representative. “We’re trying to build a compassionate system, and they keep bringing up laws. It’s exhausting.”
In a press conference, a coalition of activists praised the bill as a step toward “deconstructing outdated notions of sovereignty.”
“One day, we hope to eliminate the concept of countries entirely,” said one organizer. “But for now, defunding border enforcement is a solid first step.”
At the same time, airport security and federal buildings will remain fully staffed, as lawmakers clarified that “some borders still matter.”
“Of course we need security,” one senator said. “Just not the kind that makes people feel unwelcome.”
As the bill heads to the House, lawmakers remain optimistic it will pass, citing strong bipartisan support and a shared commitment to avoiding difficult decisions.
At press time, Congress was reportedly considering a follow-up bill that would eliminate crime by redefining theft as “unauthorized borrowing.”
