In what’s being described as the most bipartisan clerical snafu since the Founders accidentally legalized chocolate fountains at national parks, the Senate unintentionally passed a resolution officially declaring January 6 “America’s Official Livestream Party Day.” Supporters of the measure, who claimed they were voting on funding for coastal erosion programs, were stunned when Jan. 6 designation language mysteriously appeared in the final text.
“If that isn’t the most American thing ever — mixing up funding with a holiday — what is?” quipped Majority Whip Chuck Gravel, who insists he meant to support coastal clean-up, not a commemorative day for the 2021 events. “Look, we’ve all typed something in the wrong search bar. Next thing you know you’ve renamed your cousin ‘Supreme Chancellor of the Backyard BBQs’ on Facebook and invited the neighbors.”
Chaos ensued on the Senate floor when sponsors of the infamous typo-resolution revealed they were very interested in enhancing the Jan. 6 holiday with a live DJ performance — preferably someone who can drop sick beats while House pages hand out glow sticks. “If it’s a party day, it has to feel like a party,” said Sen. Periwinkle Thompson, who was inexplicably wearing sunglasses indoors. “We’re talking a national soundtrack.”
Leaked internal memos show the bill originally had nothing to do with Jan. 6; that clause was allegedly inserted by an intern who misunderstood the phrase “party financing” as literal event funding. “I thought we were talking about events,” the intern later explained. “I, uh… thought it was a good idea.”
Opponents of the new holiday claim it distorts history by celebrating an event that wasn’t generally perceived as a party by everyone involved — notably law enforcement officers and members of Congress who were present. Supporters responded by demanding those critics simply “need better vibes.”
Meanwhile, local party supply stores are rubbing their hands together as demand for Jan. 6 glow bracelets and memorabilia T-shirts (featuring stylized figures wearing party hats) is already skyrocketing. One seller reported preorders outpacing even Valentine’s Day by a wide margin — though, in fairness, those sales include some confused customers who thought they were ordering “January 6th iced coffee mugs.”
Even outside the Capitol, social media influencers are rejoicing over the holiday’s passage. “Finally! A day where we can livestream politics and get paid for it,” tweeted one popular commentator. “Plus, the DJs? Iconic.”
In a related development, legislative aides are now drafting an add-on bill that would make February 29 a second Jan. 6, exclusively for livestream reruns and best-of commentary specials.
Final punchline: Every national holiday should come with a DJ — because if we’re going to revise history, might as well make it a soundtrack we enjoy.
