Capitol Hill Goes Cold Turkey
At 12:01 a.m., the government shut down — 750,000 federal workers furloughed, “essential” staff working without pay, and Democrats suddenly realizing that “infrastructure money for New York” isn’t a constitutional right. Chuck Schumer reportedly screamed, “This is an attack on democracy!” while clutching an expired MetroCard.
WIC Panic And Unicorn Subsidies
Russ Vought warned WIC funding was drying up. “Moms, babies, and my pet unicorn will suffer!” wailed AOC, proposing a “Compassion Coin” minted from recycled protest signs to fund benefits.
The Art Of The Non-Deal
Democrats demanded Obamacare subsidies for illegals. Trump responded by tweeting, “Deals are for winners. You lost.” Polymarket bettors gave the shutdown two weeks; Vegas gave it three before Schumer cries uncle.
MAGA Triumph As Bureaucrats Sweat
Trump smiled: “A lot of good can come from shutdowns.” Translation: goodbye swamp creatures, hello lean government. Democrats wanted $1.5 trillion. Instead, they got the world’s biggest pink slip — and Trump got another win.